A MOTHER’S HOPE
“It’s only really at Bodie’s House that my daughter comes to life. I speak her name within these walls and that’s what’s made me able to connect with her.”
Imaan’s Mama was just two weeks pregnant when doctors first raised concerns about her baby daughter.
“Not long after my first few scans I was told that my baby was going to pass away. No one could say when but they said she would die. I carried on going for my regular scans and each time there was a heartbeat. Every time I came away having heard that sound I had hope”.
At 28 weeks, she took her son for a walk.
“We were out and I had this weird feeling and I just knew. I called the doctors and they told me to come in, but I had a gut feeling. I knew she was gone.”
The scan confirmed that Imaan’s heart had stopped. After an induction, she was delivered.
SILENT GRIEF
“I got to hold her and have her with me in a cold cot that night, then she was taken away.”
In the midst of her heartbreak, she was forced to deal with her grief privately and alone.
Despite her overwhelming grief, Imaan’s Mama faced it alone.
“Baby loss is not something that is talked about in my culture. No one in my family was there when I had her. No one came to see me. No one called or sent a text. I was in shock, deep in my grief and my family didn’t even acknowledge Imaan had ever existed”.
Because of the reaction, Imaan’s Mama didn’t share her feeling with anyone.
“I had experienced miscarriage before, and it wasn’t spoken about but I never imagined the reaction to Imaan’s birth would be what it was. For them, the memory of my pregnancy and daughter died the moment she did, but I couldn’t allow that to happen. I was determined she would be a part of my life because she was, still is and always will be”.
FINDING CONNECTION THROUGH COUNSELLING
A bereavement midwife referred her to The Bodie Hodges Foundation.
“I don’t know what I would have done without the Foundation and my counsellor, George.
All I have wanted was to feel as though someone was listening and that they can hear me. I can come here and that’s exactly what I get”.
I’m encouraged to feel my emotions, it’s not about putting them to one side and getting on with things. That’s something that has took a long time for me to be able to do because I’ve because I’ve always been expected to carry on.”
Imaan’s Mama’s family and friends don’t know she has been having 1-1 counselling for almost 2 years.
“I was excepted to forget about it and move on. But in my sessions with George, I’m encouraged to talk, and that makes me realise it’s okay to feel how I do.
Everything here is at my own pace. I lead the conversation, I set the tone.”
HEALING, HONOURING, AND MOVING FORWARD
Initially concerned about if the sessions would help and whether she might be judges, Imaan’s Mama is relived she made the decision to accept the support.
“There are days I feel good, and I come in and say that. A week later I might be at my lowest. I’ve come to realise both versions of me are OK”.
Now nearing the end of her two years of support, Imaan’s Mama reflects on her progress — and the strength she’s found.
“Everyone here understands that there is no right or wrong way to be. I’ve never felt judge. Since coming here I have never felt alone.”
Imaan’s Mama is nearing the end of her two years of support and while she is worried about not having her regular sessions, she recognises the progress she has made.
Her experience has been so transformative that she even hosted a fundraiser for the charity saying that they have been ‘her rock’ since losing Imaan.
“Only one or two people know what happened, but fundraising was my way of starting a conversation.
I don’t want anyone else to go through what I’ve gone through, I don’t want anyone to face the pain of losing a child alone and sadly I know that there are parents who are doing that right now. I need to break the chain and by doing that I hope it’s a step towards change”.
Reflecting on what The Bodie Hodges Foundation means to Imaan’s Mama, she is grateful for somewhere to speak her daughters name freely.
“I never got the opportunity to make memories with my daughter. This place keeps me connected to her — and that’s what I need.
Coming here doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps me manage it.”
